Am I Suppose To Know?

How many times have you heard someone say 'I never thought I'd end up here...' or 'I didn't see my life going this way but...'. I feel bad for having no idea what I'm going to do with my life, but I think that's how its suppose to go. All those that have the right idea at 18 might all be wrong. They might be the ones that are 45 having a mid-life crisis and starting doing dangerous things to themselves to 'experiment' or 'explore'.

I have no clue. I have no clue what I'm suppose to do. I have no idea where my life is going. I have no idea what kind of woman I'm suppose to end up with or if I'm going to end up with one at all. I'm just floating around doing whatever comes to mind for whatever reason I think of at the time. And, for now, that's ok. Not because it is actually ok, but because that's all I've got right now.

I can't do more than what I'm currently capable. Sure it's nice to think so, but what if that's been my problem all along. I keep thinking about what I might or could be capable of, but this is what I've ended up doing. So maybe, right now, this is all I'm capable of doing.

It will change. It has to. I can't keep doing this forever, nor would I want to. But this nothingness that I find myself in now seems to be the only thing I'm capable of doing at the moment. Tomorrow may be different. Tomorrow I may experience some enlightenment and venture out into the world a new man. Maybe tomorrow I'll stay a new healthy habit, or convince myself of some direction. Every day is a maybe until it happens.

We are guaranteed nothing in this world. Salvation is not inherited. It isn't born to you. It is yours for the taking if you are willing to earn it, but it isn't given to anyone. This time of uncertainty and doubt might be my cross to bear for something wonderful to happen in my life. If I can believe that, then maybe it will happen. Why not? I don't have much else to do but believe... in something.

Like Sands Through The Hourglass...

...so are the days of my life. Time doesn't tick away. The vision of a cheap black and white clock on the wall like they use in schools and office buildings is completely wrong. It doesn't tick. There is no sound. There is no abrasive jolt to the next second. There is no rotation to the next minute or the next hour.

Time slips away. Time slips away like a floating object in the ocean. It does not jolt out of your hands and then bounce from moment to moment. It slips into the next moment. It floats to the next minute, the next hour, the next year, and the next decade. It is a tide that drifts you away, or more likely drifts away from you.

My last minute was lost. So was my last week and month. They have slipped away. They will never return. They do not come back to me. The flow is always pushing time out of reach. I can not swim to it. I can not catch up. I can not recapture.