Insomnia

I haven't been sleeping very well. It's been happening for weeks. My brain is running at a thousand miles per minute and it won't stop. That isn't my only problem. It's just one of them. I've grown comfortable with this weird sense that nothing is going on. I don't necessarily feel bad about it, but that's kind of the weird thing. I don't feel bad about it. I should but I don't.

So here I sit at 330 in the morning not really doing anything, but not sleeping or tired either. I'm a stranger in my own head and body. I'm myself but I'm not. I'm all thing but nothing. I know that sounds like pyscho-babble bullshit, but that's the way I feel. Like I said... weird.

Otherwise things are fine. I'm exercising more. Getting off my duff, so to speak. I have friends that I enjoy a great deal and family is fantastic. There are even some girls I like. All of it is happening in this haze of whatever, but I'm strangely ok with that.

I don't know. I don't know why I'm posting it either. I want people to know I'm fine. I really do. I don't care what people think. I really don't. It's my life and I'll live it how I want. Smoking cigars and drinking beers seems like a fine use of my time as any other. Especially with how supposed intellectuals are fucking up things all around us I don't feel bad for being a dumb, southern, white boy that lives his life however he sees fit.

This is a life used or wasted as any other. I would hope for something more, but for now this will do. Right now I'm living by a simple mantra:

So be it.

Am I Suppose To Know?

How many times have you heard someone say 'I never thought I'd end up here...' or 'I didn't see my life going this way but...'. I feel bad for having no idea what I'm going to do with my life, but I think that's how its suppose to go. All those that have the right idea at 18 might all be wrong. They might be the ones that are 45 having a mid-life crisis and starting doing dangerous things to themselves to 'experiment' or 'explore'.

I have no clue. I have no clue what I'm suppose to do. I have no idea where my life is going. I have no idea what kind of woman I'm suppose to end up with or if I'm going to end up with one at all. I'm just floating around doing whatever comes to mind for whatever reason I think of at the time. And, for now, that's ok. Not because it is actually ok, but because that's all I've got right now.

I can't do more than what I'm currently capable. Sure it's nice to think so, but what if that's been my problem all along. I keep thinking about what I might or could be capable of, but this is what I've ended up doing. So maybe, right now, this is all I'm capable of doing.

It will change. It has to. I can't keep doing this forever, nor would I want to. But this nothingness that I find myself in now seems to be the only thing I'm capable of doing at the moment. Tomorrow may be different. Tomorrow I may experience some enlightenment and venture out into the world a new man. Maybe tomorrow I'll stay a new healthy habit, or convince myself of some direction. Every day is a maybe until it happens.

We are guaranteed nothing in this world. Salvation is not inherited. It isn't born to you. It is yours for the taking if you are willing to earn it, but it isn't given to anyone. This time of uncertainty and doubt might be my cross to bear for something wonderful to happen in my life. If I can believe that, then maybe it will happen. Why not? I don't have much else to do but believe... in something.

Like Sands Through The Hourglass...

...so are the days of my life. Time doesn't tick away. The vision of a cheap black and white clock on the wall like they use in schools and office buildings is completely wrong. It doesn't tick. There is no sound. There is no abrasive jolt to the next second. There is no rotation to the next minute or the next hour.

Time slips away. Time slips away like a floating object in the ocean. It does not jolt out of your hands and then bounce from moment to moment. It slips into the next moment. It floats to the next minute, the next hour, the next year, and the next decade. It is a tide that drifts you away, or more likely drifts away from you.

My last minute was lost. So was my last week and month. They have slipped away. They will never return. They do not come back to me. The flow is always pushing time out of reach. I can not swim to it. I can not catch up. I can not recapture.

In the News...

--Santa Barbara is on fire again. Why are we calling them 'wild fires'? Is it because of the speed they spread or because it's happening in the wilderness? Because if it is the latter then we should just call them fires. Its natures way of clearing the forest floor and allowing for the healthiest plants to grow. Just cause it burns up some homes in the process doesn't make it 'wild', especially since it happens every year. And why would you rebuild in a place that catches on fire every year? Its like choosing to rebuild a house in a flood plane in Florida thinking there could never be another hurricane. It's borderline retarded.

--The CDC is worried that the H1N1 flu has mutated and there may be an American version. I betcha it's got rims, a great sound system, and is in credit card debt up to its eyeballs.

--For some reason Oklahoma is trying to claim its sovereignty. Not sure how that's possible when 50% of the state is federally protected Indian Reservation. As a nation unto itself what would Oklahoma export? Boredom and football players? I'm not sure if that's something you should be basing a nations economy on. Actually the statute states the federal government should "cease and desist” mandates that are beyond the scope of its powers. Maybe Oklahoma can tell the federal government to stop sucking.

--Some banks are saying they need more money. Do you realize if we just divvied up the money used for stimulus and bailouts and just gave it back directly to citizens we'd be out of this. If I received a check for 10k there's no way I wouldn't get myself a new HD television and blow some money at a titty bar. There's just no way. And I'm not alone either. We'd all find a way to buy something that we felt we needed or were entitled to. Like seeing some titties.

--The Governor of Maine is going to allow gay marriage. I'm torn on this whole gay marriage thing. I can see the argument from both points of view and they both have merits. The part I don't get is why some gay people wanna sign up to give someone else eligibility to eventually take half their shit. Or is it assumed that legalizing gay marriage will also usher in a rush of gay pre-nups? They should think about it. Married people are a miserable lot these days. There's so much to worry about. House payments, kids college fund, male and female whores in numbers unseen before by any civilization in the galaxy. There are obstacles! Needless to say I think my plan of remaining fat and unattractive to women is working and I'll remain single in the near future.

--The 'best job in the world', the job that was advertised on the internet and consisted of watching a tropical island off of Australia, was won by a British man. That's a great idea! You don't have to worry about the guy getting scurvy and losing his teeth since his teeth will already be rotting. Genius. Who said tree-huggin' ecologists weren't practical?

--Microsoft has laid off thousands of workers and may be laying off more due to this financial crisis. Funny you'd a thought they would have laid off thousands for creating a shitty operating system!!!

And that's what's in the news.

I'm Drunk

I don't think that's news to any one. I'm just noting that at this moment I'm eating popcorn for Orwell, drinking wine from Yellow Tail, and posting drunkenly on the blogspot. What else you gonna do?

I like getting drunk not because I like the buzz or anything like that, I like the social atmosphere the most. If I could get it otherwise on a regular basis without the booze I think I'd be ok with that. I've seriously been giving thought to putting together a comedy routine and giving it a go.

I haven't until now not because I have any kind of stage fright, but because I have comedic standards. I have an ideal of how I would do something like that and when I sit and write a set it never matches what would happen in my head. I'm critical of myself in a way that other people wouldn't be. But that's the difference I think: some people think one is funny enough, and I think it always could be better.

Soon I'll put together a set and give amateur night a try. I'm sure it'll be fun and I'll do well enough to do it again. I think of things to write down all the time, but putting together a good set is hard. And I don't know if you've heard by I'm not really into working lately. It cramps my style.

Chili: Day 2

On the second day of chili I make no plans. To say that my chili is hearty is an understatement. Apparently I also include ingredients that make my chili similar to a tranquilizer dart that could put down a bear. It induces naps like whiskey induces an inability to complete a sexual act. I have on the side crackers, sour cream, cheese, and raw cut onions. This is serious business for a serious Texan.

A lot of people don't like Texans. I feel this is due to the fact that northerners don't know what to do with us. They can't deal with the ego of a Texan. Living for the last 10 years in Milwaukee has certainly had its advantages. The bar lifestyle in Milwaukee is really second to none and there's no doubt about that. And I haven't been in Texas in a really long time. Its possible that I love but a memory. Its possible that it sucks as bad as FIBS drive, but I doubt it.

On the second day of chili all the spices and sauce has soaked into the meat and vegetables. It's a stew or soup that's thick and filled with soft chewy meat. I use a pound of ground meat, and two steaks. Veggies can vary from peppers and potatoes to zucchini and squash if you've got it. The veggie part doesn't matter as much. When chili was first created vegetables were abundant and meat was scarce. As beef got cheaper in Texas it became a much bigger part of chili. Nowadays it's just that - sauce, meat, and spice (I do put one small can of beans in a 5 qt pot).

Day 2 chili is usually a bit better than Day 1. I keep my crock pot on warm and just leave it overnight. I leave it on warm all day. I just leave it. After a couple days I'll put it in bowls for the fridge or freezer for later deliciousness. It's awesome. Its awesomeness is unquantifiable.

All this talk has got me all hot and bothered for another bowl.

McDonald's Morning Menu is the Devil

The morning menu at McDonalds is the devil. And by the devil I mean that it's so incredibly tempting that I don't know what to do with myself when given the opportunity to partake in its deliciousness. I'm flabbergasted at the moment. I mean, seriously, how am I suppose to resist a steak bagel sandwich and a biscuit egg n cheese???

When the CIA leaked classified interrogation techniques I'm pretty sure it included a bacon egg n cheese sandwich that was never delivered to said terrorist. I'm ok with the result, but not with the method. The reason I'm not ok with the method is that I'd kill everyone reading this blog right now if it meant I'd get one of their tasty breakfast sandwiches for free.

I am no kidding at all when I say this: I've picked up a couple sandwiches already for breakfast and I'm seriously considering breaking the drunken while operating laws of Wisconsin to go get a couple more delicious sandwiches. I think its amazing that I'm calling them sandwiches, and not sammiches. How is that even possible in these circumstances?